Warning: Sensitive Material Follows, You Should Probably Skip Over This One.
Sometimes, as in when we have a child, we have to change our lifestyle. I'm talking about giving up listening to the Scorpions and Rolling Stones and start listening to James Taylor and John Hiatt, but more importantly bad habits. I don't smoke cigarettes, but occasionally smoke cigars, and yes, here I admit it, sometimes chew. I wouldn't normally even bring that up, but the point of this exercise is therapy, and lies don't enable therapy, so there ya go, ugly truth. There are other "features" of being me that probably warrant corrective action, or at least an attempt. Tobacco is easy to walk away from, it's not a real big part of my life. I can easily cut it out completely or severely restrict its usage so that it will never interfere with my life as an Old Man With A Daughter. There are 2 things that I cannot say that about, and they kind of scare me a bit. I eat too much and I drink too much. It's really that simple. I have been fighting the Battle of the Bulge since before high school. I was always the fat kid, and subject to the associated ridicule and harassment. In high school, I thought it was cool to be 200 lbs because I was part of an elite group called the Chub Club, who were guys on the football team, I think all lineman, at 200 lbs or more. 200 pound freshman in high school is nothing to be proud of or even happy about. Now I would kill to be 200. I won't discuss what my numbers are now, just that it's over 200.
I have a history of subjecting myself to addictive behavior. I had my first cigarette in 6th grade, I think. My first trial of pot and acid (don't ever go near that shit) in 8th grade, and I have no idea when I first tasted alcohol but it was early. I'd like to apologize to my family for this, as I am certain this is a bit painful to read. It's painful to write too, to be honest. I should say that I have not used drugs since then. I think somehow I decided drugs were bad, and I shouldn't use them. In honor of my wife's pregnancy I gave up the sauce for the duration, but picked it right back up now that the child is here. That's the thing about mistakes; you sometimes don't see 'em until later.
I'm not going to kid myself and swear I will completely alter my lifestyle overnight. That's incredibly foolish. I've been trying to do that for over 20 years. I've been lying to myself for over 20 years. Remember a post or two back when I talked about working toward goals, and that we never really get there, that its the hunt for it that is the exciting part? This is one goal I would surely like to achieve and never visit again. Obviously I have never considered myself or my health important enough to do anything about it. I don't know where I developed such a low self esteem but I honestly don't put a high value on me. It's funny, isn't it, that we can be so selfish when it comes to material things but the absolute opposite when it comes to things that increase our own personal value or longevity? How stupid is that? It doesn't make any sense at all. I have a fairly high level of shame having to do with the whole thing.
When do I decide I'm important enough to live better? Is having a child going to do it? I mean, nothing else has so far. I'm staring 40 in the face, and at the rate I'm going, I'm going to be on dialysis and drooling by the time she graduates college. That doesn't paint a pretty picture does it? No.
I thought about writing this (or not) for awhile now. It's been on my mind, and I couldn't decide if I was going to include it. The point of this exercise was not to entertain, or appeal to the masses, but to organize, document, and relate what the process was like from my perspective. My perspective. This is part of me, so to exclude it would somehow be dishonest, right? I'm still grappling with hitting the "publish" button, almost as much as I'm grappling with my issues.
I'll wrap it up by saying I'm going to try. I have a good start today. I exercised today and only had one beer last night. Maybe someday I'll be worthy of the smiles Joy gives me. Maybe I never will, but I'm going to try. It's silly to shoot for perfection, but it's not silly to shoot for better. I'm trying.
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